Through this class, I have had several opportunities to reflect on my life and myself. I have uncovered several different qualities that I was previously not consciously aware of. One thing that I truly know about myself is that I am empathetic. I have always been very in-tuned with other people’s emotions, and aware of their energy. Being so empathetic towards others is what has caused a lot of my anxiety. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I realized most of the anxiety I was feeling wasn’t even mine! I am so in-tuned with others around me, I could pick up a strangers anxiety and adapt it as my own. Another thing I know about myself is that I am extremely blessed in my walk with God. Being a christian and following Jesus is a very large part of my identity, and without it I would be nothing. The last thing I truly know about myself is that I am strong and resilient. Life is full of horrible events and unsuspecting victims, but one thing I learned is to not be a victim. Many things deemed horrible or tragic have happened in my life, but I have learned to pick myself up and be a fighter and voice, instead of a victim.

This class has also highlighted both my strengths and weaknesses. Many of my strengths come from the underlying basis of being empathetic toward others. I am also always looking to develop a situation or a person into a better version. I see potential in others and situations and look for ways to create success and happiness within them. When it comes to weaknesses, I have many. I a self-doubter and a believer of fear. Fear is something that holds me back most of the time, and reminds me of the worst case scenario. Not buying into the lies of fear is something I really wish to work on.

My goal in life to become a successful nurse, wife, and mother. Becoming a nurse is something that I figured out I wanted to do because I would be able to use my love for science and medicine and my innate ability to empathetic towards others and make a career out of it. I knew that nursing would be the right career for me. I hope to one day be a nurse on a mission trip to Africa to experience different culture and help people who do not have access to proper healthcare. I’ve always had the calling to be a wife and a mother. Being married I feel is a common want for most people, but not everyone I know wants kids. I grew up with a small family and always dreamed of having a large family as an adult. Kids, to me, are such an amazing part of the worlds and to bring one into this world and raise it to be kind and loving has always been something I want. There are many other things in life that I desire, but these are the top three.

I have had several disagreements with people over the years. Some of them minor and some of them major. One instance that really taught me a valuable lesson was last year when I was living with one of my best friends, Bailee. We were renting a house that her family owned and we had one other roommate named Paige. We also were in possession of a dog named Shadow because Bailee’s sister had moved to Hawaii and could not bring the dog out there for several months. Over last years Christmas break Bailee goes to Hawaii to visit her sister and Paige goes home, so I stay at our rented home most of break to take care of Shadow. When the girls return, they tell me the electric bill for the month of January is 400 dollars, and they will split 100 of that and leave me the 300 to pay by myself. I felt that this was a completely wrong of them to do, especially on Bailee’s part. I had only stayed in the house because they left me no choice but to stay and take care of Shadow. I also was barely there because I was working most of Christmas break and was only there in the early morning and late evening. I also felt that this was wrong for them to do because it was going against our lease, which stated that we would pay the bills split 3 ways always, not based on usage. Bailee saw it differently, and we disagreed for a long time on the subject and ultimately I ended up moving out and breaking the lease. While I didn’t ever agree with Bailee’s side of things, I still learned a lot from this experience. I learned that when renting a house, I need to be more active in making sure that the finances are handled properly and fairly instead of just letting someone else control that and trusting they will do what’s right. I also learned it probably is better for a friendship if you don’t live together in college.

In the physical dimension of renewal, there are several things that I need to do to sharpen my saw. I need to exercise more, eat healthier foods, and juggle my stress better. Being in college, doing these things is a challenge. What would sharpen my saw the best would be cutting sugar out of my diet and doing one active thing per day. When it comes to mental, I need to be better at planning. There are many times that I agree to too much and overbook myself and stretch myself way too thin creating no time for myself. The best way I could fix this would be to learn to say no to some things and understand that that is okay for me to do. Spiritually, I am growing every day. My walk with Jesus is something that I put conscious effort into every day, but I would really like to make it a larger part of my day. I would really like to create an hour or so in my schedule to dedicate to spending time in the Word. Emotionally and socially, I could always use some work. I am always struggling with making sure that I am in balance emotionally. I would really like to be able to dedicate more time to checking in within myself, as well as remembering to take my medicine.

 

Something that I have always had the ability to do is be empathetic. Though that skill comes naturally to me, there are times that I am not always an empathetic listener. There have been multiple times that I have not been an empathetic listener, but one specific time stands out to me the most. I have a friend that complains almost 100% of the time. After awhile, I tend to stop being empathetic to the things she says. There was one situation in which she was having a very challenging time with her boyfriend. She had been struggling with her boyfriend for a long time, and after being very empathetic to her situation for along time, I had grown tired of listening to her situation. I told her several time that her situation would not get better if she didn’t put herself first, and stand up for what she deserved, but still she continued to let her boyfriend call the shots. During this specific time, I had grown tired of being empathetic and was a too harsh. Because I was so harsh with her, it caused a big rift in our friendship. I wish that I had chosen to continue to be empathetic to her situation. From what I have learned, it is best to let someone you love come to their own conclusion about their relationship, rather than force them into coming to that conclusion. I wish I would’ve been calmer, and more understanding in this situation to avoid losing a dear friend.

I think my current outlook on life is Win-Lose. I often compare myself to others and think that if they are more successful than me, then that means that I am not successful at all. I always make myself inferior to those who are succeeding, because I want to be the one who is succeeding. I think it is difficult for me to be a win-win thinker because of self doubt. In society, we often say that someone else’s success directly affects our own. When it comes to women, society loves to impose self-doubt and competitiveness. I think that if we choose to encourage each other rather than hope for the worst for someone else so we can be the one succeeding, we would have a healthier outlook on life. I find it difficult to remember this fact, but that is something that has been revealed to me through my relationship with God in the recent past. I have been learning to focus on the good, rather than the demise of others. I have also been trying to remember that no matter what someone else is succeeding in, as long as I am succeeding by my standards, that is enough. Competitiveness is what destroys self esteem, and with competitiveness being what we all focus on, it is hard not to have a lose-win or win-lose attitude. My previous attitude of a win-lose attitude has really made it hard for me in friendships. Constantly comparing myself to my friends’ success leads to jealous and envy as well as resentment.

Imagining myself at my own funeral, I picture my mom, dad, sister, and boyfriend all speaking in remembrance of my life. My mom would say how amazing of a kid I was. She would say I was smart, beautiful, and funny, but those aren’t the things she will hold on to. I was also loyal to fault, kind to everyone I could be, and empathetic to every kind of person. My dad would say that I was bright and someone that could cheer up Eeyore. My sister would say I was her soul sister. That we could have a whole conversation through eye contact and that no one could understand her like I could. My boyfriend would say I was the love of his life and no one loved him like I did. All of my people would be there to talk about all of the special things they saw in me during my life.

One thing that I’ve struggled with in the last few months is taking my depression medication. I take it sometimes, and not others. When it comes to depression medication, in order to maintain homeostasis, you have to take it every day. When I forget to take the medication, my mood changes significantly. I feel that my life would be a lot more positive if I were taking the medicine routinely.

In my own personal mission statement, there are several things I would want to include. I would want to include compassion, love, and empathy. I would also include the love of Jesus and the warmth that comes from Him. My mission statement would also include loyalty and trust. All of these encompass who I am.

Throughout my life there have been many situations were my attitudes and beliefs have shifted slightly. I’ve modified some of my attitudes, and critiqued some of my beliefs, but when I was a Junior in high school I experienced a complete paradigm shift. During my high school years, I struggled with depression and anxiety all the time. Everyone in my high school knew me as someone who struggled with mental illness. It was not an easy time for me because not only was I consumed in my own depression and anxiety, it had manifested to the point where everyone else saw that I was consumed by it as well. Then I reached my final breaking point, and from then on everything began to shift. I started to realize that having anxiety didn’t have to be part of my identity! The world didn’t have to be this dark, unforgiving place that didn’t let me move on from my issues. I started to see my anxiety as something I could overcome. I was a whole person apart from my anxiety and I didn’t have to carry that weight with me any longer. After I had this realization, things were on an upward trend. I was able to enjoy myself, find myself more immersed in my faith, and love others without being so consumed by my own mental issues. I couldn’t be more grateful for this paradigm shift.

The part of this chapter that really caught my attention was when Covey was discussing the picture of the young woman/ the old woman. He mentioned how one student said she’s lovely and another student claimed she was an old hag. I love this part of the chapter because I think it fits perfectly with my personal paradigm shift. You can spend so much of your life looking at this picture and think, “oh its ugly” or “she’s just an old ugly woman.” but the reality is that there is another view point that is the exact opposite. This made me think of myself during my time suffering with anxiety and depression. My view toward the world was that it was ugly, just like the old woman. It wasn’t until my perspective shifted that I was able to see the beautiful side of what I was looking at in my life.

In this chapter, Covey says, “We are free to choose our actions, but we are not free to choose the consequences of those actions.” I think this sentence means that we can choose how we want to handle a situation, but we will never be sure of the outcome of the actions we choose. There have been many times in my life that I have questioned whether or not I made the correct decision, but there is one that stands out to me the most. There was a time that I had to make the choice to go to Michigan with my friend Leah for vacation. Leah and I had a rocky friendship throughout high school due to boys, and had several instances of her choosing other people over our friendship. Before we left for vacation Leah had informed me that she was having an affair with a married man, and she had invited him to Michigan with us. When I told my parents the situation, they warned me not to go. I decided I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and go to Michigan anyways. The trip ended up being a disaster, as I was clearly only there to be a cover to her mom so she could have a vacation with her boyfriend. I asked her for her car, and drove 8 hours home by myself after being there for 2 days. I wish I had decided not go, instead of going through the awkwardness of that trip.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton